Self-Esteem

“Low self-esteem” is not a diagnosis or a mental illness per se. It’s more of a vernacular umbrella term for a destination that people reach through many different pathways. Those pathways include problems with attachment to a caregiver when people are very young resulting in weakened ego defenses, traumatic events that happen post-attachment, environmental stress, depression or anxiety that may be part of a person’s biology, economic factors, limited opportunities, or societal issues of discrimination against certain groups of people.

When people reach the destination of low self-esteem, the destination looks different for different people. For a lot of people, feeling like we have fewer rights than others results in us not standing up for our rights when they’re violated by others. We may not stand up to a bully. We may remain underemployed relative to our potential. We may choose not to apply for that job, ask for a raise, start our own business. We may accept poor treatment from our intimate partners, sometimes to the point of emotional or physical abuse. We may be afraid to ask someone out on a date because there’s no way them being nice to us could mean they actually like us.

The costs of low self-esteem are astronomical, were anyone willing or able to total them up. The value of lost financial and career opportunities add up over time. Most people know how costly divorce can be, both financially and emotionally. Accepting a one-sided relationship can be worse. Narcissism is another consequence of low self-esteem. People who are constantly over-estimating their abilities, either to themselves or others, are usually doing this because they feel they have to continually prove their worth. Narcissism is costly because, when you behave as if you already know it all, your willingness to learn new things is diminished.

Improving self-esteem requires a multi-pronged attack. We have to evaluate our actual beliefs about ourselves and others. Most of these beliefs are hovering below the surface of conscious thoughts like ghosts. It’s rare that people think “I’ve done a thorough self-evaluation and I believe I am worthless.” Usually people need a therapist to help flush out some of those subtle beliefs. Changing our self-talk is very powerful. A wise youtube real estate marketer once said, “If you believe all the negative stuff, why not believe some positive stuff as well.”

Sometimes a behavioral approach is helpful. If you think asking someone out on a date is going to be torture, it may be worthwhile to pick up the phone and give it shot. There’s a good chance they’ll be glad you called because they’re a person just like you with all the inherent hopes and fears that people have. In that situation even being turned down may be helpful, because the rejection is probably way less painful than we imagined.

Just the act of placing trust in a therapist is helpful because, when we have low self-esteem, we’re always tensely waiting for that next judgement or rejection to prove our own point. Being open with a helping professional and letting ourselves be heard, be accepted, be understood without judgement is healing in itself. Falling back and knowing someone is there to catch you feels good, and it leads to other good feelings.